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My life. Its not exactly wonderful as I just posted a new blog about what a jerk he is… please read on. Happy day!

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Where’s My Happy Ending?

I met him when I was 15 years old, a freshmen in high school. I went grew up in a small town a few miles south of San Francisco, CA. I actually met him in the summer, shortly after finishing junior high. Little did I know that I would spend the next ten years of my life with him. Ten years of good memories and bad, mostly bad along with much heart ache, dissapointment, loss. Why did fate bring this person to me? The only real good I could come up with was that we got two beautiful, sweet girls out of this. I wouldn’t trade my girls for the world. They mean everything to me. I live and breath for them and if I am as strong as I am today its because of them. In fact,  I don’t know at what point I realized that I no longer loved my husband the way I once did. At times I even loathe him and fantasize a life full of peace without him. I am on an island where he can’t find me. I’m safe, without a stress in the world. Again though, thats fantasy. In real life he has made my life miserable. I don’t know if it was all those times he left me alone at night, him using drugs behind my back, his sneaking around on the internet, all the times he stole money from me, his lack of responsibility, his possisveness, the fact that he works and gets paid every week only so he can keep all his money and not let me know what he does with his paycheck. Yes, he works but he has nothing to show for it. I have no idea why he bothers to work as he is a selfish man. So which of these is it? Hmmm. Hard to put my finger on it. My guess would be its all these things put together but honestly the hardest one to deal with is probably his “mood swings”. A man having mood swings? Its true. I have mood swings too. Especially when I’m PMSing- but whats his excuse? Every day when he comes home from work (did I mention I dread this time) I never know what kind of mood he is in. Usually I stay quiet and answer all his questions manually because god forbid if I was actually happy he would sure find a way to get me down. I’m not joking. If I am smiling and laughing, I can hear him mumbling negative comments under his breath. I ignore them as much as I can but its like an evil voice in your head that your trying to ignore.

In conclusion though I suppose no matter what kind of situation you are in most times we have a choice and for whatever reason- whether its fear or what have you, I am still in this unhappy marriage. I keep myself going for my daughters and look forward to coming home to them every day after work. My husband is the storm but they are my sunshine. My fantasy also keeps me going. I may sound foolish but I like to hold on to the hope that one day I will be free of him drinking a margarita on a beautiful island.

On a Mission

Its official. I need to start my mission. I’m 27 and have no career, have not finished school and have not even bought my own home yet. Some would say this makes me a loser. I personally hate this word. So to prevent myself from falling into a deep hole of depression as I have done many of times before I have to continue making goals for myself. If you ask anyone, they probably could tell you off the top of their head what their goal is- right? So I’ve been thinking. What are my biggest goals in life? I have many but once I narrow them down the most important ones are:

1. To survive my postpartum mood disorder (this will be discussed later in detail)

2. Find my career

3. Find something I am passionate about (a cause) and not give up on it

4. Buy a home

5. Be a good catholic

6. Be a good mother and wife

7. BE HAPPY (actually this one should be #1)

I struggle to be happy. In fact I struggle with it on a daily basis. I have been depressed for years. For what reason I don’t even know. I have everything I need. Yet my heart aches like I’m mourning. I can’t cry because there is no actual reason to cry. But there it is, a huge hole in my heart and no matter what I do to try to fill it its there. So the mission is actually really simple: to find happiness, whatever that is.

Hello world!

Welcome to my Mad Hatter-like world. The blogs that you will read are not written by a journalist. They are thoughts that swirl around in my brain like a vortex and have no where to go. I go to sleep at night unable to turn it off. Have you ever left the T.V. on all night? Well there you go. That’s me in a nutshell. Some of these thoughts are deep, some are emotional, others melancholy and some just plain senseless, pointless and dumb. So welcome to my blogs I hope you enjoy reading me uncensored and exposed (whoa that sounds intense).